


you steal the air out of my lungs (you make me feel it)

by winterbreath



Series: all this love [3]
Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/F, i really don't know how to write happy things, it's so much sadder and so much longer, subtle hints about eating disorders, wenrene - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-15
Updated: 2019-04-15
Packaged: 2020-01-13 18:12:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18474361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winterbreath/pseuds/winterbreath
Summary: joohyun and seungwan—then and now. or small, random moments that end up meaning a lot.





	you steal the air out of my lungs (you make me feel it)

**Author's Note:**

> this part can be read alone but it would help if you read the other parts of the series, too. i realized that i don't know how to write happy things so this one is sad, too? i think.
> 
> warnings: there are subtle mentions of eating disorders. please proceed carefully.

**(now)**

There was no way around it. Recent events have told Joohyun that there’s probably no way things between her and Seungwan would ever go back to the way it was before—back when everything was simple, back when there’s isn’t a shiny black Cadillac picking the singer up every Thursday.

As Joohyun sits in the corner of the room waiting to be called for the dance practice, she stares at Seungwan who is happily engaging with Sooyoung in a game app the taller girl found on the Internet. Her heart sinks a bit, frozen in place. There’s a pain in her chest specific to Seungwan. It’s a kind of pain that never really goes away—always there, like the slight buzz of the air conditioner when you’re at home during summer days.

Part of Joohyun knows what she needs to do, what things they both need to address. But she’s so scared of what it could mean.

 _Loving someone takes more than just love_ – her mother told her once.

Joohyun never got that line out of her system.

.

**(then)**

They’re about to debut in three days. Everyone’s talking about them: the newest SM girl group, to follow the footsteps of the iconic Girls’ Generation.

There’s no turning back now.

Irene is nervous, sure. Debuting on a live stage is as nerve-wracking as it can get. It’s not easy to debut under one of the three biggest music labels in South Korea, at a time when the global k-pop revolution is on the rise. It’s even tougher because they’re said to be the _successor_ of the first girl group to be ever called the _Nation’s Girl Group._

She knows there’s a lot of politics going on, too. With their sunbaes in middle of an internal conflict, Joohyun knew that the decision to debut them this soon has a touch of desperation on SM’s part—like an insurance policy just in case their senior girl group falls apart. Stories about their sunbaes have been going around for a while now, way before their debut was announced. So Joohyun wouldn’t be surprised if their debut has anything to do with that.

So there’s a lot at stake here—reputation, dignity, innocence, youth, and all the years of hardwork they spent training for this day and the following days to come.

The nerves are there but she’s also excited. They’re ready for this. They’ve trained for so long, put under the intense supervision of SM’s best vocal coaches and choreographers.

Some things were rushed: producing their debut track, promotions—but the four of them? They’re ready—it’s Red Velvet against the world.

She has just finished packing her things up when Seulgi approaches her. She’s been alone in this small waiting room for the past 10 minutes, waiting for the others until they wrap up their last-minute coaching with their vocal trainers.

“Unnie,” Seulgi opens, a worried look evident on her face.

“What?”

“Talk to Seungwan-ah.”

“What about?”

“She wants to stay behind. Wants to practice some more,” Seulgi says.

“Again?”

“Again.”

Joohyun lets out a sigh, eyes finding the door unconsciously. The practice room is just across the hall. From where she is, she could hear the faint sound of the _Happiness_ instrumental being played.

She turns back to Seulgi, “I’ll talk to her.”

“Okay,” Seulgi nods. “We’ll wait in the car.”

Joohyun shakes her head, “No. Just go on ahead. I’ll tell Manager-nim to send another car for Seungwan and I.”

Seulgi nods one last time before she turns on her heels and walks to the door. Before disappearing to the hallway, Seulgi turns back to her and asks, “Do you think we’ll get through it?”

“The performance?”

“Not just that. I mean all of this.”

It’s a loaded question but isn’t something unexpected from Seulgi. Their main dancer looks up to her, trusts her to say the right things, be a strong leader for them. But more importantly, Seulgi counts on her as a friend. Sometimes, that’s scarier.

“No one knows for sure,” she responds because it’s the right thing to say. She is no position to reassure Seulgi that everything will be fine. “But I’m certain that we’ll all go through it,” a pause, “together.”

 _Red Velvet against the world_.

Seulgi lets out a smile before she leaves.

Joohyun lets herself smile back, momentarily forgetting that she has another agenda for the night.

She grabs her gym bag, swinging the large item onto her shoulder as she carefully makes her way to the other room.

She stops by the door to take a peek first, not wanting to interrupt whatever was going on. She was half-expecting to see their coaches still there, giving last-minute notes. They don’t practice again until the day before their debut stage so it would be reasonable for their coaches to still be around.

But odd enough, Seungwan is completely alone by the corner of the room with a microphone in one hand and her phone on the other. Joohyun assumes that her phone is connected to the room’s speaker because all it takes is one click and the speakers echo a familiar part in the bridge.

As Joohyun stands there, she watches their main vocalist nail the note one more time, the same way she does every time they rehearsed it. Perfectly, everytime.

She hears the music stop and watches the younger girl sigh in frustration, shaking her head as if she didn’t get it right.

This is the moment she chooses to step in.

“Hey,” she starts, walking in with a reluctant smile.

The other girl looks up at her.

There was a small moment there, where all Joohyun could see in Seungwan’s face was worry. But the second their gazes connected, a sparkle appears in Seungwan’s eyes. Hope, maybe? Joohyun’s not sure.

“Hey,” Seungwan acknowledges.

“We should head home,” Joohyun says, walking across the room and finally standing in front of the other girl.

She looks so small, so unsure. And it alarms Joohyun because they’ve spent the day rehearsing and Seungwan didn’t show any signs of… this. She seemed happy and ready but right now, there’s a weight on her shoulders that Joohyun wants to lift off her.

They’ve known each other awhile now. They’ve trained for countless hours.  They live under one roof. The four of them are sometimes the only friends they have. So Joohyun likes to think that she knows the girl in front of her but there are days—days like this—that it feels like Seungwan is a complete stranger, somebody she knows by face and name but know nothing about.

“I think I’ll stay for another hour, I need to practice again,” Seungwan utters, head hung low.

“You’ve done it perfectly multiple times today. You don’t need to practice further,” she tells the other girl. It’s strange how Seungwan doesn’t even look up, eyes settled on the hand that’s currently fiddling with the hem of her shirt.

They’re standing in the middle of the room and the atmosphere is suddenly somber—a big contrast to the bustling energy that they had earlier.

When the younger girl won’t say anything, Joohyun speaks up, “Hey, look at me.”

It takes a second before the singer looks up to meet Joohyun’s eyes.

“What’s wrong?” Joohyun asks.

For a moment, Joohyun wonders if Seungwan will tell her the truth. The girl doesn’t often talk about her feelings. She opts to be optimistic, shiny, and bright all the time. She does it so naturally that sometimes, it’s easy to believe that it’s all there is. But that can’t be true, right? Everyone has a sadness they don’t talk about.

The thing is, Joohyun feels like there’s a lot of that sadness that Seungwan refuses to show.

“I—” Wendy stutters. “I think I’m going to mess it up. I don’t want to do that to you and the other girls. We’ve worked so hard and I want to do this perfectly.”

She chokes a sob and it ultimately breaks Joohyun’s heart.

She and Seulgi have talked about this, once or twice. Seungwan, despite the unquestionable talent, has always been a little bit unsure of herself. She’s quite insecure of her ability to perform.

And _God_ , if only Joohyun could show Wendy what she sees the girl performs, she thinks Wendy would be blown away. Because Wendy is a force to reckon with on stage. Her vocals are on fire, the best she’s heard in a while. Their coaches, their management, even their sunbaes are confident in her ability to sing.

But on top of that, Joohyun wants to make Seungwan see the look on her face when she sings because Wendy on stage is happy and sure, and so honest with her feelings that Joohyun can’t help but stare sometimes.

If there’s anyone on their team that has to practice more, it’s not Wendy. Probably Joohyun, but not Wendy.

“You’ll do well,” she tells her because she doesn’t know how to say all of that briefly. “I’m not only saying this because I want you to feel better. I’m saying this because I know it.”

Seungwan blinks at her, the tears threatening to fall from her eyes slowly shying away. “How do you know?”

Joohyun shrugs, “Because you’re you.”

It’s so simple, so true, and so sincere that it surprises Joohyun a bit by how steady her voice was when she said it.

There’s a small smile that appears on her friend’s face and Joohyun decides that it’s such a good look on her. She decides right there that she likes it when Seungwan smiles. Whatever that means.

“I—thank you.”

Joohyun lets out a breath, “You’re stubborn and I know you won’t come home with me right now, so—” she pauses as she sets her bag on the floor. She takes a seat next to it before she pulls her phone out, “I’m staying here until you’re done rehearsing. I’m also ordering food because I’m starving.”

“You don’t have to stay.”

“I want to.”

Seungwan doesn’t say anything any further but Joohyun could feel the singer’s eyes on her. She ignores it and the feeling swarming in her gut.

It becomes a thing eventually. Joohyun stays with Wendy on her late-night extended rehearsals, they eat dinner, and they go home with their fingers interlaced with one another.

It renders Joohyun speechless how simple and automatic it is—to be beside Wendy just because.

.

**(now)**

Seungwan isn’t avoiding her, not really. But the younger girl makes sure to put a healthy distance between them every time. They laugh at each other’s jokes, talk to each other when they have to—but it’s not the same. It’s sad and heartbreaking, and sometimes, Joohyun just wants to pull Seungwan to her, hug her and never let her go.

She doesn’t because it feels irresponsible. This is not the time for feelings.

.

**(then)**

Joohyun takes a deep breath as she stretches her legs by the far end of the stage. She’s sat down by the floor, recalling the choreography in her mind.

She knows this choreography by heart. She’s not going to mess this up.

She tries to hype herself up. There’s so much riding on this shoot—important first impressions from the public, not just of her but of her group as well.

She takes a few calming breaths. She has 10 minutes before they’re called in to start the shoot.

“Hey unnie,” she doesn’t mistake Seungwan’s voice as the girl plops down next to her with a bright smile on her face. “I called the cops.”

Confused, Joohyun asks, “What?”

“Because it’s illegal to look that good,” Seungwan says confidently with a laugh.

“Yah!” Joohyun laughs, lightly punching the younger girl’s arm.

Seungwan giggles, dipping her head in slight embarrassment. “It worked!”

“What worked?”

“You seemed so worried earlier, I saw you when I got in,” Seungwan explains. “I wanted to make you smile.”

Joohyun doesn’t know if it’s just one of those many lines the girl is so fond of lately. But she gives Seungwan a warm smile because she’s right.  It did work. The girl’s mere presence lifted her spirits up.

“Are you nervous?” Seungwan asks, chancing a glance toward the middle of the stage where lighting is being setup around two chairs.

“A bit.”

“Don’t be,” Seungwan tells her, like she really believes in her. “You’ll nail it and everyone will be talking about you.”

“In a good way, I hope.”

“Pfft,” the singer dismisses her worry, “When they see this teaser, they’ll be looking forward to Ms. Irene Bae, woman of the year.”

She manages a laugh, “You’re only saying that to cheer me up.”

“No, some things are just true,” the other girl says before her expression changes. She’s suddenly looking into Joohyun’s eyes, her gaze oozing with a well-placed sincerity that somehow calms the older girl down. “You’re built for things like this, unnie. Big moments, big stages—they’re all going to watch you and they will be in awe of you.”

Overcome with emotions, Joohyun doesn’t say anything but merely smiles.

Seungwan takes her hand and clasps it with both of hers, giving it a gentle squeeze for emphasis, “I know this because I feel it all the time when I watch you dance.”

There’s no hint of silliness to it. No jokes, no greasy tone to mask the genuine emotions. It takes Joohyun by surprise just how willing her body is to believe everything the girl says. When Seungwan is this close, when she’s like this, Joohyun feels like she can conquer anything.

They’re quiet for a couple of moments until they both hear the PD yell, “Irene-ssi, let’s do one take.”

Joohyun tears her eyes from Seungwan and eyes the setup. Seulgi is already there, being given instructions by Director-nim.

She turns back to Seungwan, “Will you be watching?”

Eyes wide, Seungwan asks, “Do you want me to stay?”

She feels a blush creep up her cheeks, “Yeah.”

The other girl grins so wide her face might split in half, “Of course I’ll stay.”

_Always._

The _Be Natural_ teaser becomes a success.

_Red Velvet against the world._

.

**(now)**

They’re all huddled around having dinner, enjoying the now-rare nights when all of them are in the dorm together. They’re talking about everything and nothing at all, being entertained by Seungwan and Seulg’s experiences on a variety show that they recently appeared on.

It’s in the middle of this does Yerim decide to drop something that could potentially alter their dynamic for good.

“I’m moving out,” she announces, and everyone quiets down.

It’s not like they didn’t expect it. Everyone knows there will come a time when they’ll all want to live on their own spaces. They’re no longer a new girl group. At this point, their company no longer has a say on whether or not they’ll stay on the dorms.

Joohyun catches Yerim meet Seulgi’s eyes from across the table. It doesn’t surprise her when Seulgi makes her announcement next.

“Me too,” Seulgi says silently.

They’ve obviously talked about it.

“I mean, I do love you guys and I love living with you but I miss home,” Yerim explains. Everyone simply nods, understanding where their maknae is coming from. She’s the only one amongst them who has a home with her family in Seoul so her moving back home would not be a logistics problem.

Seulgi rests her back on the chair and looks around with a sad look on her face, “I’ve saved up for a place just about 15 minutes from here. I’m probably moving by the end of the year.”

She doesn’t explain why she’s moving out. There’s really no need to explain because they’re older now and much, much freer to do the things they want.

Joohyun looks at Sooyoung and then at Seungwan, waiting for either one to follow through. It would suck, really, but it’s reasonable.

No one says anything for a while before Sooyoung decides to break the silence.

“I’m staying,” she says nonchalantly, reaching for another piece of sweet potato. “I don’t want to pay rent.”

They all burst out laughing and that’s enough to make the tension disappear. They’re them again, still them.

After dinner, Sooyung and Joohyun are left by kitchen to cleanup. Seungwan and Seulgi already cooked and Yerim is… Yerim. So naturally, it’s the two of them who’re left to complete the task.

They move around silently but Joohyun could feel that there’s something hanging in the air. For a moment, she wonders if Sooyoung is going to tell her something life-changing again.

“Unnie,” Sooyoung calls out in a low voice as she pauses rinsing the dishes.

The low, uncertain tone of the younger girl’s voice stops her on her tracks. Sooyoung rarely sounds like this.  “What’s wrong?”

Sooyoung turns to her, revealing a pool of tears that have welled on her eyes. She sniffs, but she tries hard to keep it together.

Alarmed, Joohyun walks from her place by the table to where Sooyoung is standing by the sink.

“Hey,” she mutters, almost humming.

Sooyoung lets out a heavy breath, composing herself so her voice doesn’t break as she says, “She’s not planning to renew her contract with the company.”

Is this what it feels like to see your whole world come crashing down?

“Who?” she asks even though she knows because it can’t be.

Sooyoung only gives her a look and that’s all the answer she needs.

.

**(then)**

_Son Seungwan is online._

Joohyun can’t explain the sheer glee that she feels when she sees that little gray circle turn green. She instantly pulls their conversation up and sends the girl a message.

**_You made it!_ **

Seungwan is in LA, about to spend a couple of days working on a collaboration with a Western artist. Joohyun wouldn’t forget the look on their singer’s face when she got the news. It’s a dream come true for Wendy and Joohyun is so proud of her.

**_I did. I’m so tired and WiFi is bad. Why are you still up, unnie? You should get some rest._ **

Joohyun eyes the clock.                 It’s 1AM. She wants to say that she waited until Seungwan has checked in but she doesn’t know how to explain that so she opts for—

**_I couldn’t sleep._ **

_Son Seungwan is typing._

The anticipation is killing her.

**_You should have some tea. That always helps._ **

Joohyun manages a smile. **_The one who makes good tea around here is in Los Angeles._**

Seungwan responds with three laugh emojis.

**_I’ll make you tea soon as I get back._ **

**_I’ll count on it._ **

The girl on the other end of the chat responds with a round of emojis. Joohyun shakes her head smilingly. **_Has anyone ever told you that you use a startling amount of emojis?_**

**_Some things you don’t have words for. Either way, you like it._ **

She won’t admit it but she does. She sends a reply. **_Between you and Seulgi, I’ve learned how to read them._**

**_You sound like a grandma._ **

She laughs heartily. **_I will kill you when you get back here._**

**_But who will make you tea?_ **

It’s a valid argument, Joohyun thinks. **_You’re lucky I adore your tea and your cooking so much. Or you would have been dead a long time ago._**

**_Do you really think you’re scaring anyone?_ **

She punctuates it with more laughing emojis and Joohyun can’t help but glare at the phone. Before she could reply, Seungwan adds another message.

**_I could feel you glaring at your phone._ **

Joohyun’s stomach flips at how well the other girl knows her. She starts typing her response but Seungwan beats her to it again.

**_Unnie, I gotta go. They’re calling me in for a briefing._ **

**_Right away?_ **

**_Yeah, I’ll catch up with you later, get some sleep._ **

It feels weird, this longing; this need to always to have the other girl in her radar in whatever way possible. **_We’ll talk again soon?_**

**_The very first free second I get._ **

_Joohyun isn’t thinking much when she responds. **I miss you.**_

It was already sent before she can stop herself. What is happening to her? Seungwan hasn’t even been gone for 24 hours and she misses her already? Uncharacteristic. Unexplainable. Unacceptable. But all the ways true anyway.

_Son Seungwan is typing._

The three moving dots mock Joohyun to no end.

**_I miss you, too._ **

Joohyun can’t help the smile that graces her lips. She sleeps well into noon that day.

It goes on like that for days that Seungwan is gone. They even did a video call once. Sooyoung teases that they’re so clingy with each other but both of them can’t help it. They’re used to telling each other how their day goes and a habit is a habit even if one of them is in a different time zone.

**_He’s here, unnie. I think I’m going to throw up._ **

Today’s their recording day and she could tell how nervous and excited Seungwan is.

**_You got this. We’re all excited._ **

She doesn’t get a response but later that day, Seungwan sends her a message.

**_The recording went well. I’m coming home._ **

Something about the word _home_ warms Joohyun’s entire being. She smiles and types up a response.

**_Hurry up then._ **

.

**(now)**

Time hasn’t changed Seungwan one bit.

They’re set to perform their title track in two days and here Seungwan is, at 10 in the evening, rehearsing alone for the nth time that day.

Their main vocalist has another a long set of runs by the final chorus; kind of reminiscent of Taeyeon sunbaenim’s final set of runs in ‘Genie’. It’s one of their most complicated songs yet, having vocal layers up to four levels down from the first layer led by Seulgi. Even Joy is pissed because it’s difficult to sing live but they’re all excited.

After all, Red Velvet is known as one of the best vocalists in the industry. It’s a reputation they intend to solidify with this comeback.

Wendy spots her standing by the door and immediately pauses the music.

“Unnie, was the music too loud?” Wendy asks.

“No, it’s fine,” Joohyun responds. “Do you mind if I stay here?”

Seungwan hesitates for a moment before she manages a small smile, “If you’re ready to hear me fuck this up everytime, be my guest.”

Joohyun quirks an eyebrow at the swearing.

The other girl’s eyes widen at the realization, “I’m sorry. I’m just so—” she breaths through her nose, “—stressed.”

“I know,” Joohyun says as she steps inside the practice room and closes the door behind her. “Just an hour more, okay? Then you have to rest. I’ll drag you out of here if I need to.”

Seungwan chuckles, “You did that once already. I thought you were bluffing but you weren’t.”

Joohyun laughs, remembering the night two days before their comeback stage for _Bad Boy_. She literally had to drag Wendy out of the practice room because the girl wouldn’t stop worrying.  

When their laughs die down, Seungwan picks up her phone and gestures to Joohyun that she’ll go another round again. The leader only nods and just settles for watching their main singer pop off with her impressive range and vocal control.

After all these years, Seungwan still takes her breath away.

She sings her part flawlessly as expected and the singer lets out a sigh of relief. She turns to Joohyun, “Did that sound okay?”

“That sounded so good,” Joohyun affirms with a smile.

“Thank you, unnie.”

They’re silent again and Joohyun hates that they’ve become like this. Feelings got involved and all of a sudden, they’re tip-toeing around each other like strangers.

“Seungwan-ah, is it okay if I ask you something?”

“What is it?”

“Is it true? That you’re not re-signing with the company?”

Wendy’s eyes widen for the nth time that night, “Wha—who told you?”

“So it’s true?”

Seungwan huffs in frustration, “Sooyoung.”

“Answer me.”

“I—” she swallows audibly. She moves around and starts collecting her things. It’s obvious that she doesn’t want to talk about it.

“I’m not letting you leave this room without an answer.”

Seungwan turns to her, eyes full of unshed tears. But there’s anger in there too. What has she turned Seungwan into?

The younger girl doesn’t say anything but merely stares at Joohyun.

“I just want to know so I can prepare the girls, that’s all,” she defends. _That’s all?_ A big, fat lie.

Seungwan chuckles bitterly, “Of course. You’re being a good leader.”

She doesn’t sound like she believes it one bit.

Joohyun wants to say that _no_. This isn’t just about being a good leader.  She wants to say that she needs to prepare herself, too. She wants to say that she doesn’t know how to do this whole Red Velvet thing without Seungwan because it’s been Seungwan and Joohyun for the longest time—and _Lord_ , she’s seen so many things ahead of them. Solo projects, CFs, dramas, solo albums but she saw all of those with Seungwan next to her no matter what.

She wants to say that she’s scared because if Wendy leaves Red Velvet for the wrong reasons, she might never come back—and what about Joohyun? What about Joohyun’s world?

But she doesn’t say anything.

Her whole body hates her for it.

“Oh my God,” Wendy gasps silently when a sad realization hits her. “You’re not ever going to change, are you?” she asks, tone full of accusations that are probably correct.

Joohyun only looks at her.

“Joohyun, this room is sound-proofed. Nobody’s going to hear you let your guard down. It’s just me.”

“Is it true?” she insists on staying on this topic.

Seungwan takes a deep breath, “What is it to you? Aside from you being a good leader? As my friend, at least the friend I used to have, what is it to you?”

Joohyun feels attacked by the use of past tense.

The question plagues her mind.

“If you leave, you know Sooyoung will leave, too, right? The only reason she’s not moving out after Yerim and Seulgi is because of you. If you don’t re-sign, she wouldn’t either.”

“I’m asking what _you_ think of it.”

“I can’t tell you what to do.”

“Oh my God, Joohyun-ah!” she finally snaps. “You’re so frustrating.”

She continues gathering her stuff and tidies the space a little bit. Joohyun knows that if she doesn’t speak up now, all of this would go to waste.

“I need to know because this is my life, too,” Joohyun breaks, a low, quiet admission of defeat that halts Seungwan’s movements. “You deserve to be out there, you know. Get opportunities that you rightfully deserve. I won’t stop you, not that anybody could. I just—” she stutters.

A beat.

And then all at once.

“I’ve got this picture in my head of the places our group could go to and in all of those, I have you. So Seungwan-ah, I need to know if you’re leaving because of me and all the things I can’t be for you right now. I need to know because I think I’ve built my entire life around you and if you leave for the wrong reasons, I’m going to have to start over again. And how do I do that? How does anybody do that?”

She knows it’s selfish to make this about her.

But _love is not love if it’s not a little selfish_. This is what her father used to say.

This line never really left her.

.

**(then)**

It happens gradually. All four of them—Irene, Yeri, Joy, and Seulgi—they all start noticing things but they all brushed it aside and thought nothing of it.

They found nothing unusual of it at first, just a couple of skipped meals here and there; or Wendy losing appetite due to tough schedules. She doesn’t even cook for them as often as before but they all charged that to their busy individual schedules.

None of it seemed off until—

“Joohyunnie!”

Joohyun hears Yerim’s loud call for her along with rushed, heavy footsteps rushing down the hall. The sound of it sends jitters down Joohyun’s spine. She perks up from her seat, heart threatening to jump out of its place.

Yerim finally gets to her, heaving as she struggles to utter the words, “It’s Seungwannie. She—”

The maknae didn’t need to say more. Hearing Seungwan’s name, Joohyun is up on her feet and running to the practice room.

There, she sees Seungwan’s body on the floor unconscious. Her head is propped on Sooyoung’s lap as the younger girl struggles to keep it together. Seulgi is fanning the unmoving body in front of her with what Joohyun assumes is their music sheet.

Soon as she rushes to Seungwan’s side, the two other members look up to her.

“Unnie, what—” _are we going to do now?_

Joohyun doesn’t say anything, keeps a straight and calm demeanor. She takes the unconscious girl’s hand in hers as she fetches her phone from her pocket. She dials a number. Not the National emergency hotline. She dials SM’s emergency hotline.

As she asks for help, she can’t help but feel terrified at how cold Seungwan’s hand is.

_We’ll send a car. Stay put._

That’s what the voice on the other line says before the line gets cut.

Joohyun turns to Seulgi, “Has she eaten anything today?”

Seulgi thinks for a moment, “No, I don’t think so.”

“Fuck,” Sooyoung swears under her breath. “It’s those nasty comments online.”

Joohyun looks at Sooyoung, “What?”

There’s anger written all over Sooyoung’s face, a protective instinct she has when it’s about Seungwan. “Manager-nim talked to her about her weight a few months ago. They told her about how the public is reacting to her…” there’s a painful hesitation somewhere, and Joohyun feels it, too, “…figure.”

Joohyun’s hands ball to a fist at her sides.

They’ve talked about it, of course. They often broach the topic of taking care of your body but Seungwan has always struggled with keeping hers in check because her body dynamic is different from theirs. Everyone’s body dynamic differs from each other; that’s why Joohyun has always talked to their managers about customizing their diet plans because it’s not a one-size fits all situation.

Joohyun is aware of the comments, highly aware of how the public likes to give their opinions about an idol’s body. Nevertheless, Joohyun cannot fathom the fact that there are people out there who are giving Seungwan hell just because she gained weight. Seungwan has struggled, her confidence plummeting because that’s what happens when the public decides that nothing is ever good enough for them.

Just a few short minutes later, Joohyun hears the front door open as the designated emergency responders arrive to resolve the situation. The next thing Joohyun knows, they’re rolling in Seungwan inside the ambulance, her body strapped to a stretcher.

In and out, as quietly as possible. There are protocols for this. The company has talked to them about situations like this.

There’s a private wing in the nearest hospital and that’s where Joohyun and Sooyoung ended up waiting for their friend to wake up.

“Has she told you anything else?” Joohyun asks, her eyes looking everywhere except for the girl laying in bed. It’s hard to look at her like this. They train you for a lot of things but never this.

“I don’t know,” Sooyoung shrugs, her voice low and sad; like she’s afraid to get too loud.

“I feel like I should’ve paid more attention,” Joohyun admits, her gaze dropping to her hands resting on her lap. They’re both sitting by the couch adjacent to the bed and from where they’re sitting, it’s easy to see how their friend has struggled without them knowing.

After their promotions for _Dumb Dumb_ , Joohyun did notice a change in behavior. Connecting the dots, that’s the time when the online comments have been at its worse. They’re accusing her of not taking care of herself, throwing her unkind words that Joohyun cannot even allow herself to think of because it hurts.

The managers must have talked to her about it and maybe that’s where all of these started. Thinking about it, she rarely sees Seungwan eat these days. The rare times she did see the singer eating, it would be a small amount of food; too small to ever be considered a proper meal and that’s when it clicks in Joohyun’s head.

Seungwan has been starving herself for the last few months.

At the realization, she looks up and really takes a look at her friend. Now just wearing a hospital robe, you can barely see her body. Her face has thinned alarmingly fast and if Joohyun recalls it correctly, she could remember how she could practically make up Seungwan’s ribs through the skimpy clothes she wears sometimes when they’re rehearsing.

When they come back with _Russian Roulette_ in a few weeks and the public sees this new, skinny Wendy, the netizens would praise her for it. But none of them knows about this heartbreaking scene or about the times when Wendy’s self-esteem was crushed to the ground.

This industry is cruel and scary—and it makes Joohyun mad because she can’t protect Seungwan from it.

“It’s not just on you, unnie. I think all of us could have paid more attention,” Sooyoung breaks her out of her reverie. “It’s just that this world has a way of weighing you down and make you think you’re the only one drowning,” Sooyoung mutters, her eyes never leaving her sister.

That’s what Sooyoung and Seungwan are: sisters. Along with Seulgi, they’re the three Musketeers of Red Velvet. Joohyun doesn’t even get the reference because that’s a chocolate bar but she takes it because Seungwan said so. Joohyun and Seungwan on the other hand? She has no idea what they are to each other.

A sad smile graces Joohyun’s lips, “She’s the most observant one out of all of us.”

Sooyoung chuckles sadly, “We’re all so useless without her.”

“I’m not dead yet,” a weak but distinct voice interrupts their conversation. Seungwan is finally awake. Sooyoung jumps and hurries to Seungwan’s side so fast that she almost crushes the other girl on the spot.

Seungwan just laughs at it and Joohyun has to excuse herself because she doesn’t know where to put all of these emotions. She exits the room under the pretense of calling the doctor.

Outside the room, she spots their manager seated by one of the long hospital benches. In that moment, Joohyun makes a decision.

With her small frame, she stands in front of the manager and gives her a stern, warning look.

There must have been something in her eyes because she sees him quiver a little bit, as if the roles have been reversed; as if Joohyun holds all the cards now. She clears her throat, “From now on, you will all go through me first.”

“What?” he clarifies.

“Anything about Seungwan’s health, anything about the comments online, you will all go through me first,” she elaborates, firm and certain. “Take it up with your boss if you want and tell him to speak to me. But none of you are allowed to talk to Seungwan about her health or her weight without me knowing first, are we clear?”

He doesn’t respond but Joohyun knows he got the message. Things like this should be handled by somebody who genuinely cares. She’s angry and mad and protective, and yeah, she can’t protect Seungwan from all of that but maybe Seungwan doesn’t have to go through it alone. Being there, hand in hand with Seungwan, that’s something she can do.

Later, she stays the night by Seungwan’s side. She’s there when they call her parents and she holds Seungwan’s hands as her mom cries about the situation.

They talk all night about the future, about recovery; about making it out alive. They’ve scheduled an appointment with SM’s nutritionist and Joohyun will not rest until Seungwan recovers. It’s a promise she makes to herself.

“Unnie,” Seungwan calls out in the middle of the night.

“Hmm?” Joohyun hums from her place on the uncomfortable couch.

“Join me here,” the other girl says, patting the space next to her. “I’m only taking up, like, a fourth of this bed.”

“That’s not funny, Seungwan-ah.”

Seungwan chuckles, “Too soon? Come on here, Hyunnie.”

She doesn’t fight it much, doesn’t think about much when she slides next to Seungwan in bed.

They don’t move. They both just stare at the pale ceiling, not really thinking about anything.

“The doc said I can go home tomorrow morning?”

Joohyun nods, “Seulgi will kill you but she will probably cry first.”

“Did she panic?”

“I thought she was going to pass out, too.”

Seungwan laughs. It’s a terrible situation but if there’s anyone who can paint it bright, it’s Seungwan because that’s who she is: always so optimistic, always full of life.

“Wannie.”

“Hmm?”

“You’re perfect. You know that, right?”

The younger girl doesn’t say anything. They’re still a few inches apart, looking at the ceiling. They don’t look at each other but these words will do for now.

“They can say whatever they want to say but they don’t know you the way we do. I think I’m speaking for everyone when I say that we wouldn’t change a thing about you.”

This time, Joohyun turns to Seungwan. She can see unshed tears in her eyes, “Look at me.”

The younger girl turns to her and meets her eyes. She’s sad but there’s a spark of hope there. “You tell me, okay? When you’re sad, when you’re happy, or if you’re feeling insecure about anything, you tell me. And we’ll deal with it together.”

It’s a statement and promise at the same time.

Seungwan stares at her for a long time before the singer nods, tears finally falling from her eyes.

“We will take on this whole world together, okay?”

This is not Irene speaking. This is completely Joohyun.

She smiles at Seungwan, “It’s Red Velvet against the world.”

The younger girl smiles cheekily at her, locking their hands together, “Joohyun and Seungwan against the world.”

Joohyun doesn’t say anything but she returns the smile.

The next morning, Seungwan is smiling brightly as they finalize the discharge papers.

(She decides to joke with the doctor.

_Did you hear about the optometrist that fell into his lens grinding machine?_

_Yeah. He made a spectacle of himself._ )

The doctor laughs.

And Joohyun doesn’t even get the refence but she laughs, too. Because Seungwan is happy and smiling and there’s nothing in the world better than that.

As she guides Seungwan to the car, she takes her hand and squeezes it tight.

Joohyun and Seungwan against the world.

She hopes the other girl gets it.

.

**Author's Note:**

> any thoughts?
> 
> (i'm on twitter if you want to cry about red velvet and wenrene. let's talk: snsdoncrack)


End file.
